Now is the time for dads everywhere to equip our children for a complex and challenging future

The desperate need for empathetic male role models in a time of heightened social injustice, xenophobia and global crises

If you’ve lived, worked or visited Toronto in the last decade you’ll appreciate certain inalienable truths about the City.

• It’s home to the best international cuisine in the world reflective of a dynamic, diverse and inclusive population.
• Its sports teams, historically, have underwhelmed.
• Its traffic congestion is the worst in North America.

It’s all true. Especially, the latter point. Worse traffic than L.A., worse than New York. Look it up.

A few years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our first child, I found myself stuck in some of that horrendous Toronto traffic on my way home from work. I was listening to a radio interview with a sort of despondent-sounding climate scientist (AKA every climate scientist). The interviewee was dropping some hard-truths about how our smallest daily actions are, incrementally, doing irreparable and, ultimately, in her view, irreversible damage to the planet.

(Yay!)

Then, before the interview came to a somewhat abrupt end, the radio host posed one last question to the scientist:

“And so, for our listening audience, can you please tell us, what is the single worst thing someone can do in terms of increasing their carbon footprint?”

(You know, because you want to end the conversation on an optimistic note!)

“Oh, undoubtedly, the single worst thing you can do to increase your carbon output is have children.”

“Thank you for your time today, Ms. …”

And that was it.

As if bringing a child into the world wasn’t already fraught with enough uncertainty, angst and precariousness! Now, every parent is in a small way responsible for the Earth’s death by seven billion cuts.

I shared the bleak news with my wife when I got home 12–14 hours later. Traffic!!! Am I right?!

(Rimshot!)

But, one thing about being married to someone objectively smarter, funnier and more optimistic than you is how they can sometimes (annoyingly) bring forward a perspective you hadn’t considered:

“Fine, our unborn child might singlehandedly melt the polar icecaps BUT what if your kid, was the person who invented the technology that ultimately saved our planet? Isn’t that also a…remote possibility?”

Not one to pass up a chance to respond with a cynical and self-deprecating comeback, I added:

“My kid? Do you know me?”

It’s now 2018 and my wife and I have created three living, breathing carbon footprints.

They are our everything.

I’ll disclose my full and undeniable bias right here and now.

The eldest is a brilliant and hilarious almost four-year-old, going on 34. She’s into Back to the Future, the solar system and where your poop goes when its flushed down the toilet.

Our 14-month-old twins are starting to figure things out. The boy loves to cuddle, break things and just started walking the other day while the girl stacks blocks like a pro, smiles radiantly and merely tolerates the presence of most.

In a month, I’ll be returning to work after a three-and-a-half month (mostly) unpaid leave at home with the two youngest. I’m deeply fortunate to work for an employer that has granted me the flexibility to leave my job for three and a half months (outside of a traditional paternity leave) to be with my children.

I’d like to attempt to check my privilege as part of this discussion.

Economically, it’s been a sacrifice to go down to one income, while still paying for preschool, our mortgage and other expenses. The tighter financial picture has definitely been the biggest source of anxiety for me. I’ve essentially worked full-time, uninterrupted since 2009, so giving up my earning power, even for a shorter period of time, was a major adjustment. Thankfully, for the most part, we’ve been okay.

We’re also fortunate to have a small but mighty village of family, friends and others that help us care for our children.

And, quite notably, we’re so lucky to live in a country that offers both men and women the opportunity to take (thanks to relatively recent federal legislation) up to 18-months leave from one’s employment to be home with young children. This isn’t the kind of leave I, personally, took but the fact that Canadian parents are now legally entitled to these options, makes me very proud.

It’s certainly not a perfect system. That’s why I’m acknowledging (albeit, clumsily) the privilege piece. Many low to middle income Canadian families struggle to make ends meet under the current formula limiting how long they can remain on parental leave and which of the parents (in dual parent households) spends time at home with the kid(s).

Any fulsome conversation about the role of dads in raising ‘woke’ kids needs to recognize the inequalities in our society (mostly, referring to the North American context, here) when it comes to parental leave and childcare. The former is just not an option for many (see: Americans) and the latter’s exorbitant costs are correlated to the decision surrounding whether a parent can or does stay home with their young children, at all. Later, I’m going to try (key word) to advocate for the transformative power of dads being active and engaged players in the lives of their children but before I can do that I need to voice my frustration at how, too often, our society forces parents (mostly, women) to unfairly choose between their careers, their own financial viability, and time with their children, while publicly paying lip service to the preservation of the family unit. These impossible decisions are often heaped on the shoulders of society’s most vulnerable, poor and marginalized parents and, so, while I have been lucky to spend three-plus months with my kids, I very much recognize that I’m no hero and that for too many moms and dads, it’s just not feasible.

If you’ve stuck around this long, I’m finally ready to get to the point.

Here’s what we know about young children.

The first 1,000 days of their lives are crucial for laying the foundation for optimal health, development and growth (Source: Cusick & Georgieff, 2016). I highlight the first 1,000 days, in particular, because I remember learning this fact at a city-building conference (humblebrag, much?) I attended shortly after we had our first child and thinking: “Watch me screw this kid up in half that time!”

Kidding! No, like most anxious new parents I thought to myself: I really hope I don’t screw this (person) up. Especially, in that crucial time period where, according to the research: the combination of proper nutrition, sufficient stimulation and protection from violence and pollution can set a kid up for life (totes, oversimplified).

From parenting and policy points of view, it makes good sense to focus on the ways in which governments, communities and parents can get children on the right track, from birth to around three-years-old, and position them for success and good health, thereafter.

I probably would’ve done it any way but learning about the importance of this time period re-emphasized for me the level of commitment and presence I wanted to have in my child’s, and later, children’s lives.

Yes, I would truly ‘helicopter’ the hell out of these kids. Again, joking.

For me, it just meant, being as present as I could be when I was around. Using my phone less, reading with them, more. Watching TV less, playing with them, more. (Look, I’m using the Internet to simultaneously self-aggrandize and make you feel deeply guilty for using your phone around your kid! You’re welcome.)

But see, that was a time of greater parental innocence (2015, or thereabouts, I mean). You know, before the re-emergence and re-popularization of: fascists, racists, populists, xenophobes, homophobes, misogynists, anti-Semites, Islamophobes, violent Incels, climate deniers, fake newsers, and the like.

Privilege check: Yes, I know these groups were active and making people’s lives miserable well-before 2015, and that as a white heterosexual male I’ve been spared from being targeted by these groups. I’m just saying that in 2016, notable things happened that I believe emboldened the groups referenced above.

Which is why, as I celebrate my fourth Father’s Day, now, as a dad of three, I want to advocate for the crucial role we ought to play in positively shaping the lives of our children.

(Groundbreaking, I know.)

Whether that influence takes place in those super-important first 1,000 days or beyond (preferably, both); whether it’s by joining the 20–30% of men who take paternity leave (when it’s offered and financially feasible). In the U.S., by the way, only 20% of companies offer any form of paid paternity leave while many men (and women), in Canada and the U.S. cite a fear of such a leave jeopardizing their careers (Fortune and CNN, 2016).

Whether it’s by demanding legislative reform and/or policy change in support of parents’ rights from your elected officials.

Whether you’re a working parent, who in your (even limited) free-time is re-committing to being fully present around your kids and helping them to see the world in a way that will equip them to constructively solve the significant challenges (and exciting opportunities) before them. Or you know, just listening to Raffi, together.

You’ll each find (or may have already found) your own ways to do these things. The dads I know are loving, kind, thoughtful, committed, sensitive, empathetic parents. And they are imparting these attributes to their children on the daily. I believe they are actively involved in shaping the future leaders of our society. The individuals who will look at serious problems like climate change, income inequality, and social injustice — marvel at how royally previous generations screwed up (even us entitled millennials) — and wield the values their dads taught them to create a cleaner, fairer, safer and better world for us all.

Look, certainly, at the end of reading this, any parent would be well within their rights to say: who the hell are you to be advising parents how to raise their kids? What makes you think you know anything about doing this the ‘right way’? And who and/or what is Raffi?

And the answers are: nobody; I don’t; and he’s the best.

I just think it couldn’t hurt, in these complex and tumultuous times, for dads, in particular, to serve as shining lights in their homes and communities, to offer their best selves to their children, to show them that kindness, empathy, and optimism are among the most powerful forces in the world.

And to those thinking, just mind your business.

Fine, I will.

But, when my three kids solve the climate crisis (no pressure, kids), you’ll owe me at least a ‘like’. I am a millennial dad, after all.

And, hey, c’mon, it’s Father’s Day.

Dan Zaiontz is a proud dad, husband, author, researcher and higher education strategist and fundraiser based at Seneca College in Toronto, Canada.